Hello cult members! With Valentine’s Day very recently under our belts, I think it’s an appropriate time of the year to discuss dating. Here’s a brief summary of some tactics that I swear by. Try them out for yourself and let me know how it goes! If it goes well (which it will) send me a transcript of exactly what you said in every interaction. It’s for science.

To begin, it’s generally a good idea to be mentally ill before you jump into the dating world. I regularly hear “experts” claim that working on yourself is an integral part of success in finding potential mates. However, what they fail to realize is that being healthy upstairs puts a huge damper on your ability to appear desperate and obsessive. There’s nothing people love more than clingy, moody lunatics alternately blowing up their phone and ghosting them for weeks at a time. And besides, trying to date when you’re confident and content with other areas of your life just makes the process less enthralling. Wouldn’t you rather feel as if any attention you receive from an attractive person is a priceless gift you must protect with your life because it will never happen again to a wretch like you? I know I would.

Now that your mindset is sorted, the next step is to find a way to meet people. Sure, you could look for friends and acquaintances that interest you and approach them casually with an open line of communication, but I’ve found that a much easier way is to join dating apps. Meeting people the old-fashioned way can lead to more organic connections, but dating apps open the door to endless possibilities. Think of it! A virtual date where he plays Fortnite the entire time and can’t carry a conversation. Mysterious! A coffee date an hour from home where he insists that “race never used to be an issue”. What a take! Of course, some people aren’t interested in meeting strangers online. That’s respectable; safety always comes first in dating. That’s why you can always use dating apps to only match with people you already know in real life. There’s nothing more enjoyable than swiping left on a sea of identical faces looking for the only ones whose rejection will make your real life worse. Trust me!

Now, let’s say you’ve established a mutual interest with someone, but nothing is happening yet. There’s a few ways to feed that flame and coax it into a full-on house fire. My favorite is probably the cheeky comment. When your belle or beau casually suggests that they meet your parents some day, quip that maybe your dad can give them a colonoscopy! Everyone loves thinking of colon cancer and medical procedures during a flirty conversation. If that doesn’t work, you can always try ragging on them a bit. Is their aunt in prison for stabbing a neighbor in 1984? Bring that up! Nothing gets a future match hot like discussing the skeletons in their family’s closet. If those options aren’t jumping out at you, just wait until 4:47 am to text them “u up”. No punctuation makes it seem like you don’t care, and hides the fact that you stayed up until 5 am thinking about them. Having fun yet?

Next, you’ll be in what kids call a “situationship”. Isn’t that a fun word? There’s nothing better than cuckolding yourself in casual conversation. At this point you should decide if you want a commitment from this person, or just some casual fun. Make sure to keep that decision for yourself. If they know what’s good for them, they’ll read your mind. If they don’t, that’s on them! If you do want to communicate your decision, try dropping passive aggressive hints over text or sending them psychic vibrations. This is a very productive use of your time.

Finally, the relationship. Now that you’re in one, you’ll realize how much better off you were alone. How to get rid of them now? My best advice comes from my completely theoretical favorite way to be dumped: tell them you probably have colon cancer (callback!), ghost them for at least five consecutive days, and then break up over text. This will get you out with no confrontation, and if they get mad they look bad because you might have cancer! That’s what I call a win. Now that you’re single, it’s time to spend the next month and a half waffling back and forth on whether or not to stay that way. Heck, I’ve downloaded and deleted Tinder at least three times in February alone. I’m having a great time, and soon you will be too. Just follow these tips for a life like mine.

Hopefully I’ll have another post for you guys soon, and maybe I’ll keep the comedy angle. It’s a bit more fun than the analysis I was doing before but with just as much bitterness. Regardless, I hope you have a great month. If you’re bored, send me your own dating tips! My instagram is @cultleader1343, and my DMs are open.